First off, the title is just random, just like my password reset of a friend of mine here at the plant to "Poodle9000" which she got a kick out of.
Just making the rounds, saying hey. Honestly though, I need some advice on something... Ex-girlfriend, is, and will remain ex-girlfriend so this post is going to be about another girl.
A friend of mine I rarely see or talk to has over the past...3 years, mentioned that I'm NOT her boyfriend...and not in that "Ew that would never happen." way, but more with disappointment, and I've always felt bad that I couldn't at least let her down more easily (well I was in a relationship albeit on again off again, give me a break >_<).
Anyways, now that I'm single she's sent me a few messages, haven't talked on the phone yet but our conversation went kind of like this...
She: Hey, long time no see, still in (City)?
Me: Yep, still working at (Workplace) too, trying to get salary still.
She: Well, did you hear, I'm single again.
Me: Oh? What happened? Every time we talk you're always breaking up with somebody heh (Yes, I know, I have no tact whatsoever)
She: Well he (goes on to explain, not going to broadcast the dirty laundry online of course), maybe I should try and be with someone I wouldn't normally get with.
Me: What do you mean?
She: (Honestly, I can't remember wording, but it was something to the effect of "Well, I've never been with you." Not a certain type...but flat out pointing me out.)
Now! For the advice part, what...in the world does this mean, other than perhaps that she wants to try dating me. Isn't there more to this than that? We've always been "ok" but never extremely close really, we've snuggled but mostly as friends besides (and yes I'll admit it) a bit of a fondle... or two.
I'm just confused right now, she's a good person and all but, there are some things about her I just don't like. Where as I have (and yes I'll admit to this too, proud of it even) remained a virgin, I don't know what in the world she's been up to with her numerous boyfriends, she always seems to be with someone new each time we talk, who she is usually in the process of, or has just broken up with... Another thing, I don't drink much whatsoever, and I don't smoke or do drugs though she has done some drugs, marijuana and such, drinks (as far as I know), and smokes.
Flat out, I don't want to have to deal with drug problems, or the smell of cigarette stench on my clothes, and I'm fearful that she might be "damaged goods" though she has always seemed to generally care for me. If we did date, and it got serious and then fell through, I wouldn't want to regret what might have happened in that time.
What do I do!? Usually I pride myself on being able to give good advice on relationships but I have no clue what to do with this one.
P.S. I need to clarify something for possibly Hoji if he reads this. Me being a virgin and not drinking/smoking/doing drugs is not about being a good christian, I'm agnostic, it's just about trying to be a good person and keeping clear of addiction. Don't give me kudos/props in this situation based on what should be a normal thing.
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3 comments:
Subtract ten or eleven years from the Calendar and your story sounds remarkably like mine. I too had a similar situation in my late teens / early twenties. I had an acquaintance that I was close to (friendship wise) and had a semi-flirtatious relationship with off and on for years. We were always with other people and one day wound up hooking up in the literal/metaphorical/physical sense of the word.
I was fresh out of a relationship with a girl I'd been engaged to (and dated for nigh upon three years) and she was separated from her husband. During our years of friendship she hooked up with a LOT of guys. I knew what I was getting myself into, but got into it anyway. She was (and is) a great girl and at her core she's a good person.
Here's the lessons I learned from this:
1.) If your friendship is good and solid enough you will survive your eventual break-up.
2.) The break-up will be eventual. I've seen other girls like this and they eventually move on.
3.) Smokers taste bad when you kiss them. (I've never dated a drug user - or at least the women I've dated never told me they used drugs.)
4.) Don't expect her to change for you.
Being the armchair quarterback, I can toss general advice your way. And as far as you being Agnostic - that's your choice. I'm not going to condemn or condone that either way. My job is to present the Gospel when the opportunity presents itself and to move on when it doesn't.
I considered myself a Christian when I was going through the relationship but now that I look back I made some startlingly bad choices on paper. She was technically married but separated from her husband. We had sex outside of a marriage covenant. She was a smoker and a drinker, I was not. She had been with a lot of guys and I had only been with one girl.
We had a few weeks/months of time together at which point I ended the relationship over some guilt for my actions and I realized that we weren't really meant to be together.
Somehow through all of that she did manage to start going to church and went through the "born again" experience. Somehow through all of that we remained friends and in spite of the way I handled things we still talk to one another on occasion and she wound up going to Church. Go figure.
So I guess the questions you need to ask yourself are:
1.) Is she a good person at her core?
2.) Are you prepared for the eventual breakup?
3.) Since she's a drug user (maybe recreational, maybe not) and has been with several guys do you have to protect yourself from various diseases?
You seem to have a pretty solid head on your shoulders and I'm pretty confident you'd make the right decisions. I can't say what I would do in your situation. If I dove in for a swim in that end of the pool I'd probably insist on some kind of tests be run first, but I'm old school Original Gangsta Mac Daddy. Not sure how you kids pitch woo nowadays. (TXT: OMG I WANT 2 HOOK UP. UZ GETZ BLOOD TEST K? K.)
I'm starting to babble incoherently. I'll stop now.
(TXT: OMG I WANT 2 HOOK UP. UZ GETZ BLOOD TEST K? K.)
I said I had no tact, looking at that, I was so wrong lol. (I don't text message, I just use messengers etc.)
1. I think she's a good person, I was even introduced to her in the first place, through her boyfriend, who was a friend of mine in highschool when they dated, they broke up amicably, stayed friends and he eventually even asked me if I were interested in her (hint hint).
2. Right now, where I'm at, that's a flat out no, I can easily handle a relationship, but I can't handle the stress of a breakup if things get serious. A girl who's practically been begging for me, and no I'm not joking, since my senior year of high school.
Stress Summary: Time commitments, already doing a stressful job which is/was supposed to hire me salary but keeps delaying/cancelling on me; rather than the contract work (manpower!?) that I'm doing now at 10 dollars an hour where this job would normally pay at least a 28k a year salary starting is what I figure. Basically it's one big stressful headache but with the way things are going with the economy I don't see any openings in my line of work and I'm afraid if I left this position there wouldn't be much else to get into where I could at least be in my own field.
3. As far as I know, she's quit, she told me that after her latest breakup she stopped using pot at least. Also as far as I know the only thing she's done is marijuana, though I kind of consider cigarettes a drug in their own right, which they are of course and I'm not sure whether or not she's still smoking those.
When it comes to getting tested, yikes, don't know how I'd breach the subject but yeah I guess it'd have to be done. About that comment on the end of my post, and the possible regret of getting involved, for one I don't want to be seen as "good" just because I'm playing it safe, and secondly, I don't want to have sex with someone just to get the boot or for them not to understand what it means to me, what I feel it should mean to everyone.
P.S. Too many stupid cheerleader types (No offense cheerleaders but you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about.) getting into too many stupid situations, the whole webcam flashing at strangers crap, the 13-16 sexually active bracket. You can be happy without sex..and for god's sake if you feel you just HAVE to...wear a darn condom, they're not exactly hard to get.
I guess, the above little rant is from seeing a phone of a friend of mine who was still in high school after I'd come back from college, a neighbor of mine, he let me play with it (was thinking of getting a new phone), found out it had a recording or two on it, watched them, and one was of some girl giggling and what's a good word for this without actually saying it... doing a ...well, doing something she really shouldn't be doing to some guy especially in public at a park bench in broad daylight. She was maybe 16.
Now, I'm not saying everyone should be closet cases and it's just fine as long as it's not daytime outside, I'm just saying "Did you really just HAVE to? Did you think it through at all, or are you just laughing because you're being recorded and will probably wind up on the internet or something after the two of you break up?"
As for the relationship...all in all I think I might try, I'm damned lonely heh, but I don't see us hopping into bed, just lots of movie watching/fondling/snuggling.
Like I said, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I'm confident you'll make the right decision. Just watch out for any red flags. And like my Dad used to say "A stiff pecker don't have a conscience." Be safe, use protection if it comes to that.
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